As frum women, motherhood is such a big part of our identity. We dream of being mommies from early on, dressing up, and playing with dolls.
When finally given the zechus, much of our pregnancy is spent dreaming of our birth and writing up our plans. Common birth plans consist of deciding whether to use an epidural or not, to give birth at a birthing center, or a hospital and which doula to hire.
For the post-birth, many pack their hospital bags weeks in advance, bringing along aloe vera, Witch Hazel pads, and their favorite slippers; each of which will alleviate them and make them a little more comfortable.
Yet postpartum, “the fourth trimester” is a recovery and transition period not only for the physical body but very much for the hormones and emotions too. It can often bring along some unexpected packages we aren't prepared for.
Postpartum depression is the most common complication of pregnancy. As much as 85% of women postpartum go through the baby blues. The baby blues are actually a mild and temporary form of depression that goes away once hormones level out. For others, these feelings after giving birth are more than mild blues. As many as one in five new moms have postpartum depression, a more serious, but highly treatable, condition.
Both mother and baby can be affected by postpartum depression. Without treatment, postpartum depression symptoms can linger for months, even years. That’s one more reason why knowledge of the condition and treatments should be more known and proper resources should be more readily available.
As someone who went through a challenging postpartum, I want things to change. We shouldn't have to suffer alone. We should be able to know where to turn to for help.
After much time and back and forths with my Mashpia, family, and friends I feel ready to open up. I hope that it helps raise awareness and break stigmas. My main goals are to give over and share the resources I wished for when I was at rock bottom as well as remove the stigma and shame.
B”H I was lucky to have information and was warned about the possibilities of PPD and PPA by my caring family. “It's something to be aware of,” they would tell me, but like many, I never thought I would be affected. In my head, everything would go smoothly.
With my birth plan in hand, I was ready. Five copies were made; one for the doula, one for the Doctor… all clearly listing my preferences. In my mind, I would return home quickly to care for my baby without worrying. I had spent months preparing frozen meals and nesting as much as was allowed. I was set. Slowly, as the birth progressed, I came to realize that as much as I can prepare, Hashem runs the show. Things don't always go as we plan
Oftentimes, as busy women with goals and dreams, or simply not having another choice, we rush through recovery and push ourselves past our limits.
I remember the day I got back from the hospital. I was on the floor picking things up and making my food. I couldn't just sit and watch people work for me. I'm capable, I’m young, and I was determined to get back to my routine as quickly as possible.
While there were many stressors and difficult occurrences taking place in my life including the passing of my beloved grandmother Simcha Bat Yosef Z"L, I refused to slow down. Everything was taken care of. The house was neat. The food was ready. The baby was safe. I lacked nothing. Yet, I was irritated, tired, and overwhelmed. Inside I was unhappy. Unfortunately, I didn't give the feelings much importance. I told myself it was temporary, either due to lack of sleep or not eating well, and I would soon snap out of it.
The unhappiness persisted, it felt similar to wearing dark glasses (mara shechora). Everything was frustrating and mainly negative. It was hard to appreciate or notice the good I had. It was not getting better. I just wanted to sit alone. Everything overstimulated me; noise, lights, even people moving around me. I just wanted to be alone with my baby.
After 3 months I couldn't take it anymore. I was exhausted. Occasionally, breathing was a struggle. I was feeling emotionally numb. Thinking it was a serious physical condition, I went to the doctor. After running various tests and coming back clear, we came to the conclusion I was going through Postpartum Depression.
I could barely get out of bed. My biggest regret was not having picked myself up earlier. Ever heard the saying, “don’t let your phone die before charging it”? Don’t wait for it to get unbearable before reaching out for help. The journey to recovery can be unnecessarily harder, longer, and more painful.
What I learned during my recovery journey is that the best medicine is preventative and that knowledge is the best weapon. You need to give yourself the care and time to heal because if you don’t you will be left depleted.
You won't be able to help those who need your support, neither your husband, nor your children, and definitely not your newborn baby, who needs you more than anything. A baby needs a happy mommy. It affects them deeply. We can fool many, but we can't trick our babies, they feel us.
My main takeaway is to remove the shame and normalize the topic. The number of women silently suffering is so heartbreaking. We are all “at risk” for this birth complication. Women who don’t experience postpartum emotional disturbances should be so thankful but are not dismissed. We need YOU. If you are not suffering, you likely know someone who is. They may be doing so very silently. Look out for the symptoms and inform yourself of ways to detect, support and prevent.
Let's give each other a safe space to share, discuss and feel supported. We can all help. We can make the motherhood journey less scary, daunting, and lonely for so many!
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